WHY DO WOMEN STAY?

By EULALEE THOMPSON
We cannot pretend that this is an easy question to
answer. And, from the outset, we should not
stereotype women; not all women stay.
Many women, from all walks of life, do leave and
are leading beautiful, fulfilling lives.
We cannot be judgmental either; we have to
believe that individuals, even those in the bowels
of a terrific interpersonal trauma, have a remarkable
ability to be lucid, to weigh their alternatives and
to arrive at decisions appropriate to their situation.
Sometimes, their decision is to stay.
In some of those cases, the most important role of
counselling and therapy is to empower the
woman and make her feel that she has
'the permission' to carry out the decision which
she instinctively feels is right for her.
STAYING FACTORS
However, women give all kinds of reasons for
staying - because of the children, he's really nice
when he's nice, for financial support, status,
lack of job skills, shame, isolation, don't believe
in divorce, fear of more violence, I want to make
my relationship/marriage work and so on.
Are these adequate reasons to withstand emotional
and physical abuse?
These reasons may only be 'fronts', ego defence
mechanisms, against threatening feelings and
emotions.
There may be deeper reasons:
1. Deeper unconscious issues at play.
She may be unconsciously trying to resolve in the
present, childhood issues with the men in her past
2. Struggling with self-esteem issues. These are issues
surrounding how she values herself, self-worth,
confidence and satisfaction with self.
Does she feel that she is deserving of happiness
and success in life or perhaps she learnt while
growing up that she doesn't deserve to be loved
and to be happy and that suffering is just her lot
in life.
3. As mentioned before, the woman who stays, may
be logical and rational, looks at the cold, hard
facts (board, lodging, food, clothing, the children,
status and so on), do a cost-benefit analysis and
finds that staying is the most cost-effective decision.